Siddartha - one who attains his aim
He brought delight to everyone; to everyone he was a pleasure.
But he, Siddartha, did not delight himself, he was no pleasure to himself. (skip) Dreams came to him and turbulent thoughts came flowing from the river water, sparkling from the night stars, melting from the sun's rays;
Brahmins had already conveyed the majority and the best part of their wisdom, that they had already poured out their plenty into his waiting vessel, and vessel was not full, the mind was not satisfied, the soul was not calm, the heart not stilled. Ablutions were good, but they were water, they did not wash away sin, they did not quench spiritual thirst, they did not dissolve fear in the heart. (skip) within one's own I, deep inside, in what is indestructible, borne within every individual? But where, where was this innermost and ultimate I?
"I do not wish to know how to walk on water," Siddartha said, "May old shramanas content themselves with such wiles!"
Meaning and essence were not somewhere behind things, they were inside things, in everything.
His life still was guided by the art of thinking, of waiting, of fasting.
These people incessantly fell in love with themselves, their women, their children, with honor or money, plans or hopes.
and yet the bird in my breast has not died.
This water ran on and on, it always ran, and yet it always was there, it was always and ever the same and yet at every moment new!
Vasudeva said, "(skip) my task is to take people across the river. Many have I transported, thousands, and for all of them my river has been nothing but an obstacle on their journeys. They traveled for money and business, and to weddings and on pilgrimages, and the river was in their way, and then the ferryman was there, to get them quickly over their obstacle. For some few among the thousands, however, a very few, four or five, the river stopped being a hindrance, they had heard its voice, they listened to it, and the river has become holy to them, as it has become to me."
"that time does not exits?"
"But do you not mean that the river is everywhere at one, at its origin and at its mouth, at the waterfall, at the ferry, at the rapids, in the sea, in the mountains, everywhere at the same time, and for it only the present exists, no shadow of the past, no shadow of the future?"
"Nothing was, nothing will be; everything is, everything has essence, is present."
The inquisitive people asked many questions but received no answers,
But even if you were to die ten deaths for him, you will be unable to diminish the smallest part of his fate of him.
a muddy wellspring, dark water.
"That because of your seeking you will not arrive at finding?"
"One, may indeed be a seeker, for striving toward your goal, there is much you do not see which is right before your eyes."
One can convey knowledge but not wisdom.
today it appears as stone, precisely for that reason I love it,
Words do the secret sense no good, it always somewhat off when one utters it aloud.
What is a treasure and wisdom to one man always sounds like utter foolishness to another.
I prefer the thing to the words, his actions and his life are more important than his speech, the gestures of his hand more important than his opnions. Not in speech, not in thought do I see his greatness, only in his actions, in his life.
- Hesse를 읽은지 얼마나 오래되었는지, 그리고 처음 읽었던 순간에 얼마나 공감했었는지 새삼스레 기억난다. 내 마음 속에 문학에 대한 열정의 불씨를 당긴 것은 아마도 헤세의 '데미안 (Demian)' 이었을 것이다. 중학교 입학기념으로 이모가 종로서적에서 사 주었던 때가 아직도 기었난다. '알의 비유'가 아직도 기억에 생생히 남아있다. 언제나 알 속에서 나오려 살아왔던 것 같다. 그럼에도 얼마나 많은 껍질들이 있는지...
헤세의 저작은 거의 읽었었는데, 어떻게 이 책을 빠뜨렸는지 모르겠다.
여기서 주인공이 찾아나선 것은 '진리'인 듯 하다. 대부분의 책들은 목표나 목적에 대해서 말하고 있지만 헤세는 이 곳에서 그것을 넘어서고 있다. 강의 비유에서 드러나듯이, 목표를 위해 건너기 위한 장애물로서의 세상이 그 자체로서 진리를 드러내고 있는 것이다. 사람들은 목표, 목적, 삶의 이유 등으로 바빠서 눈앞에 놓고도 그 진리를 보지 못한다.
내가 무엇보다 글 속의 싯타르타를 불교의 싯타르타보다 높이 평가하는 것은 그의 인간에 대한 공감이다. 마음의 평정에 다다르려는 순간, 그동안 존재를 알지 못했던 아들이 나타나 그에 의해 평정이 깨지는 것이다. 무엇보다도 이 아들은 아버지를 미워하고, 아버지의 삶을 혐오하고 뛰쳐나간다. 그를 찾아갔다 그냥 돌아오는 아비로서의 싯타르타는 일반적인 사람으로 돌아가 있다. 그는 사랑하고, 실망하고, 걱정하고, 가슴 졸이는 인간으로서 환원한다. 일반적인 사람들에게 등을 돌렸던 그는 강을 건너는 사람들의 마음을 이해하고, 공감하며 바라본다. 결국 평정에 다다르는 그는 속세에 등을 돌리고 자신을 잃어 열반에 도달하는 부처가 아니라, 사람들의 희노애락을 경험하고, 공감함에도 깨달음을 얻는 사람의 부처이다. 또한, 이 희노애락의 사슬에서 그 누구도 자유롭지 않음을, 또한 누구든지 마음 속의 열반을 세상속에서 추구할 수 있음을 역설하고 있다.
헤세, 그는 자신의 생에서 도달했을까? 그가 추구한 이상이 그토록 열렬하게 그의 글 속에 녹아있는데, 그 자신은 그곳에 도달했을까? 그의 풍파가득한 삶에서 그의 이상은 어디까지 그 길을 갔을까?
같은 물음, 같은 대답. 역시 깨달음은 말이나 글로 배울 수는 없는 것 같다.
결국 사는 것, 같은 길을 가는 것, 잠수.
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